You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We smell like vodka and hangover
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