I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
