Apparently you make a good broom.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
