THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
