halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
