non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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