my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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