why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
