My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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