I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
