I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
