I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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