I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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