he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
