thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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