one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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