I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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