i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize