so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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