She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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