I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
