why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
