Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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