What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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