Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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