No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
