And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
