when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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