Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
