Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
