no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
