Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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