I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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