My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
