I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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