At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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