I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize