my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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