So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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