It's just like the Real World with babies
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
