Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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