God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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