I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
