He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
