you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
