i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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