I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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