i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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