My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
