I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Girls should come with a carfax report
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
