i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
