ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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