I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
