im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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