Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
