How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
