I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
