Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
