I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
