Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
