this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize