I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
